All Things Anne

Everyone hates telemarketers, right? Here are a few pranks to play on them.
DISLAIMER: I have never tried these. I have no control over whether you use them or not. I have no control over what happens if you DO use them. If you get in trouble, too bad. Don’t blame me.

Tell the telemarketer you have someone on the other line and to hold on a second, press a button on the phone and say “Hey Susan, I’ll have to call you back I have one of those stupid telemarketers on the other line” press a button again and say, “Now what was it you wanted?”

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “C’mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how’s your mom?”

Respond “Shhhh!!! (name they ask for) is sleeping, your too loud please be quiet” After they quiet down, say again “You’re still too loud!” do this until they get to a very quiet whisper and then scream “I’M SORRY I CANT HEAR YOU, YOU’RE TOO QUIET!!!”

After each question they ask you say “no”. For example…”are you the owner of the house?” “no” “can I speak with the owner please?” “no” “do you know a good time to call back?” “no” … so on and so forth.

During the speech interupt and say “Are you Candian?” if they say no, say “We only converse with Canadians” If they say yes, say… “We don’t talk to your kind.”

When you know that is it a telemarketer, start reciting Row Row Row Your Boat….if they don’t interrupt, then (when your done) say “this is a recording, and if you hang up I’ll press redial, and start all over again.”
If they interrupt, say furiously “Excuse me!, but I’m trying to sing here!!!!” sing louder and slower until they hang up. If they listen to the whole song the first time say, “You’re the only one who hasn’t fallen asleep yet, so I’ll sing it again for you.”

During their spiel ask “Why?” after every sentence they speak.

Every time they say something, say “That’s not true!”

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.

Right after they say hello say “NO! There I just saved you 5 minutes of talking.” and then hang up.

If the telemarketer asks you how you are doing just reply with this:
“Things went real badly at work today. I got a pink slip and I will soon be unemployed. What’s worse, on the way home I got a speeding ticket and I’m going to be in court. And when I got home I found a “Dear John” letter from my wife and she’s left me. To top it all off my welfare check did not arrive and my ice box is empty and I don’t know what I’ll eat tonight. I spent my last dollar on the lottery and if I don’t win I’m dead. Other than those troubles, everything is OK. How are things with you?”

Especially for credit card telemarketers

Can I use the card to pay my crack dealer?

Sigh in relief and inform the telemarketer that you’ve just maxed out your other 10 credit cards and still need a new liver.

I just recently filed for bankruptcy; I could use all the credit I can get!

When they say “I would like to introduce our new student/low interest/platinum card” respond with “Hello student card, my name is So-and-so, nice to meet you.”

I’m sorry, My mommy won’t let me have a Credit Card.