All Things Anne

My Funny Away Messages were a hit, so I found some great answering machine messages. Just remember to use the proper protocol afterwards. ;)

Hi. This is (your name). If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money!

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hello. I’m (your name)’s answering machine. What are you?

Thank you for calling (your phone number). If you wish to speak to me, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to my room mate, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal (your name)’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll… Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where she’ll see it. Uh… By the way, where did you say you live?

Darth Vader voice: Speak, worm!

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.
The roses stink, sorta like sheep,
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep.
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten,
And I might call you back, if I haven’t forgotten.